How Boring Was ‘Rogue One’?

I’m going to be honest, I’m not a real Star Wars fan. I’m more of a casual fan who at least remembers the names of significant characters, like Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, Anakin Skywalker, Han Solo, Boba Fett, Jango Fett, Yoda and Princess Leia, played by the late Carrie Fisher, who we lost during Christmas time. Plus, I’m a big fan of the Stormtroopers, just because they look so damn cool!So honestly, I’m not a hater, I just tell it like it is. Here we go.

Rogue One is what happens when Disney executives say, “Hey!The Force Awakens made tons of money and was totally cool. Why don’t we make a standalone Star Wars movie, that nobody asked for?” And so came the much anticipated, but disappointing Rogue One:A Star Wars Story. I’m going to admit that I never watched the trailers for the film, because I was in my own world, and I thought it was over-hyped anyway. But the weekend it was released, I was bored as hell, so I decided to watch it, dragging my two cousins along for the ride. And boy, was it a RIDE!

Let me start off with the fact that the film didn’t even utilize the greatest element of all Star Wars movies…..the opening crawl!

They had the audacity to start the movie like it was an episode of Glee. No theme song, no opening crawl, just the title Rogue One. I know I wasn’t the only one waiting to hear the opening theme, the theme that even non Star Wars fans are familiar with.  But we got nothing of the sort. For Pete’s sake, even How To Get Away With Murder has some sort of theme. I can name ten TV shows without a real theme song, that still have more than what this movie gave us.

The lead, Jyn Erso, was played by the lovely Brit, Felicity Jones, who you may remember as Stephen Hawking‘s  wife, Jane Wilde,in A Theory of Everything, the movie based on Hawking’s life. I could see why she was chosen as the lead, even if her character’s writing left much to desire. The male lead,Cassian Andor, played by  Mexican, Telenovela actor, Diego Luna, was surely the eye-candy of the film, and yet, even his suave looks could not save this movie. Let’s hope Diego gets the role of Scarface in the upcoming remake, so that we can forget his extremely forgettable character in this movie.

I’m not going to give the whole plot because it’s just THAT boring, so I’ll only mention the highlights, which also left much to be desired. Jyn is searching for her father, galactic scientist, Galen Erso, played by the iconic Mads Mikkelsen aka HANNIBAL!(I’m still devastated that the show was cancelled back in 2015, but thankfully, it’s on Netflix. Netflix is our true savior). Yes, so Jyn is in search of her father (along with the Empire or something), who apparently had a hand in creating the faulty Death Star, which is so vulnerable, that one missile to the reactor, would cause the whole thing to blow!Fun, right?Except, at that point, I still wasn’t feeling the movie, but I kept on watching cause I paid for me AND my two cousins!

Fast forward to the 3rd Act, and the most exciting scenes finally appear. The Rebel Alliance versus the Stormtroopers of The Empire. The fight was fun and demonstrated how weak the Stormtroopers really are. I mean they were just falling like flies. The Rebels were taking no survivors, and I loved it. Of course, the excitement left when I realized that all the rebels were dead, except for Jyn and Cassian. So obviously, it ended with the destruction of the Death Star. Oh and Darth Vader made a cameo in the film, which was one of the few highlights of over 2 hours of unnecessarily long dialogue, talking robots that made me feel for them more than the human characters, and General Krennic talking Galactic gibberish with Vader. Don’t get me started on the CGI version of Princess Leia.

Overall, I can say with the utmost sincerity, that The Force Awakens was more enjoyable compared to this film. Not only were Daisy Ridley and John Boyega hilarious together, but they had chemistry, something that Felicity Jones and Diego Luna seemed to be lacking. I know Rogue One was supposed to be a serious, gritty take on The Galactic Empire, but damn, does serious always mean slow and repetitive? Jesus, even Deadpool was a gritty Marvel film(for once) and even that had humor!

So who is to blame for all this?Is it the director, Gareth Edwards, or the president of Lucasfilm, Kathleen Kennedy?We’ll never know, but with the announcement of the upcoming Star Wars: The Last Jedi, let’s hope that the film will be done with the utmost patience, and not for the sake of fan service.

P.S. Seriously, someone tell Diego Luna to call me!

 

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